"I got no strings on me" - Happy Manniversary to me!

A year ago today, I became a man. I was reborn. I was saved. God spared me another year of being in a body that I so desperately wanted to get out of, by sending lots of human support to help me accomplish it. 

I am at peace for the first time in my life. Sometimes it is scary because of all the changes. I do not have a role model to teach me to shave, put on a tie. I look to YouTube for that. Even my paintings have shifted; there are no more shadows lingering in them.  I am free to be me… I feel like Leonardo DeCaprio on the bow of the Titanic.

I am still changing every day. New hair growth, new muscles I did not have before that are more toned. My hairline is slightly receding, voice cracking lower. I was an alto, and now I am a baritone. No more hips.  But the best thing is I have a man’s chest. I have someone who can lie on my chest for the first time and I am proud. I actually cried and it took my breath away and then I breathed really deep the first time. I know it does not make much sense to someone who hasn’t been through it.

A lot of you felt that my former self died. Unfortunately that was just a shell for me. I was like Pinocchio where I really wanted to be set free like the real boy inside him. I could never understand the pain I had watching that movie. I felt his pain and his torture, because I also felt betrayed and frustrated by my own body. Well, no longer: I am free. On May 15 2014 I was re-born, now in the right body.

When I woke up from surgery, the first thing I did was ask if I could see Susan and my sister. I was hungry and wanted to go eat lunch, so we did. The next day we went grocery shopping and I walked about a mile. I felt so free of everything. I had drains -- tubes coming out of me that had to be emptied -- but that did not stop me. I felt more grounded and in my body than I ever had.

My doctor called the night of my surgery and I said he was like the Blue Fairy who made Pinocchio’s dream come true.  I thanked him for making me the man I always wanted to be, with happy tears of gratitude and joy in my eyes.

So when people on the street that are Christian ask me if I have been saved, I say “Yes, yes I have.” I was once a man trapped in the body that I never thought was mine.    Now I am free as a bird in flight and ready to be the Master healer, massage therapist, and artist I was meant to be.

I would like to personally thank everyone who helped this to happen: all at The Bag Lady who came to my fundraiser and donated money, worked at the fundraiser by volunteering their time, all who sent healing energy before during and after my surgery, and all who gave me strength to carry on with my journey by sending cards and spending time with me.  Most of all Susan who was my rock during all of this, and is still my rock. (an apophyllite haha) Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

I am who I am and you are who you are

Hello, it has been a while posting on my blog.  I was on TV in the meantime – here’s the link.  http://www.myfoxcarolinas.com/story/28018223/transgender-identity-a-spiritual-walk

I am who I am and you are who you are.   It is very important to be who we truly are on the inside. Otherwise we are not totally whole.  Here are a couple of examples I’ve been thinking about:

I do not want to sound bitter about my life as a woman, but I dated and lived with women who did not understand me. I always settled for being something I was not, trying to please them. I lived as a lesbian for 25 years but find it interesting that all our “couple friends” were straight, and I always played the traditional male role in the relationship. It always felt like a male-female situation. I also could not stand it when my partners tried to touch me intimately. It reminded me of what I was not. I went into dysphoria because I totally rejected having female body parts – it made me feel ashamed.  I told my partners that I felt I was male, not really understanding at the time that I was actually transgender. Unsurprisingly they did not appreciate the whole not-touching thing. It was not anyone’s fault, it just did not work out.  I’m happy that now I have found someone who gets me. Interestingly, my family has told me that identifying as a transgender male makes much more sense to them, knowing me, than being a lesbian ever did. That always felt unsettling to them – they knew something wasn’t quite right.  Claiming who I really am, and speaking my truth, has set me free.

My 9-year old son recently played with a transgender little girl, who looked like a regular girl. After they played, I told my son that she was transgender just like me. At first he didn’t believe me, but when he realized it was true, I feel he had an “a-ha” moment. In that moment he saw me in a different light so to speak.  I think he’d always felt there was something wrong with me, but meeting the little girl helped him to understand.  We now feel much closer.  If I were not true to myself, leaving the lesbian relationship that I had with his mother, I would not be showing him my true self and we would always have had a disconnection.

I had another incident the other day with my son. I kept telling him that I wanted to go to his basketball games.  He never told me why I could not. As I was driving him to his Mom’s house he said from the back seat of the car, “You can not go to any of my basketball games because Mom does not want you talking to the coach about being transgender.”  He then said “and by the way I do not want you to meet any of my friends because I am embarrassed about you being transgender.”   At that moment my heart dropped to my toes. My heart ached and I started to cry. So I said “Maybe you should not see me for a while.”

I did not say a word for about 10-15 minutes. After awhile I composed myself and I said, “How would you feel -- I never thought I would ever say this to my biracial little boy -- how would you feel if someone did not like you because of your skin color?  Or, if you had a burned face, or no arms and legs? I have not changed on the inside; just my outside has changed.”

He said “But-”  and I interrupted, “There are no ‘buts.’”  He said “I would feel really bad.”  “That is how you made me feel,” I told him. “If you can not love all of me like I love all of you than maybe you should not see me for a while.” That was probably the hardest thing I have ever said to him. 

He loves the John Legend song ”All of me” – where the lyrics say he loves all of her even the parts that are not perfect.  I told him we were lucky because we chose each other, since he was adopted, and not everyone gets to choose who they are with.  So when he was getting out of the car he said, “Meam [he’s always called me that], I love all of you. I want to be with you -- all of you.”  I couldn’t say anything at that moment, but the next time I saw him I thanked him for being honest with me. That was a very tough conversation, but I had to stick to my truth, and I am glad I did.  If I can’t have this talk with my child, and show him who I truly am, then I can’t be true to anybody.

I am very lucky to have a brave little boy who is one of my great teachers.